tailoredceremonies.com Blog

Wedding bells may soon be ringing for a lot more people in the Garden State. While rumors are swirling that they will be “civil unions” instead of “marriages,” same-sex unions are coming to New Jersey. Some are saying legislators, given 180 days to hammer out the details, may comply with the state supreme court ruling by the end of the year.

All this means the potential for more competition to book weddings. A new magazine slated to hit stands in mid-2007, With This Ring, will devote about 40% of its coverage to LBGT weddings, seemingly to be well-timed for the New Jersey ruling.

Commitment ceremonies are not new, however, and there are already many liberal officiants who have been conducting them. The internet overflows with ideas for same-sex ceremonies and vows.

It will be interesting to see how long it takes for the mainstream bridal industry to accept these weddings and welcome them.

From around the world comes this news from China: short, simple wedding ceremonies have become the new hip trend.  In America, current estimates put the ceremony/chapel/officiant cost at $250 out of a $24,000 budget, while the article describes a Chinese tradition of making the ceremony a “grand show.” Although many American couples do spend a lot of money on the wedding, others choose to celebrate with an intimate group of friends after a small service or civil ceremony. American wedding budgets allot about $8,000 on average for the cost of the reception site. However, a DIY movement among brides and the popularity of budget wedding books shows that Americans, too, value spending their wedding cash on more permanent items than wedding cake.

One groom described watching the butterfly release at his wedding as the fluttering away of so many $5 bills.

Recently, I’ve come across people looking for the family medallion to exchange with children during a wedding ceremony. The medallion contains three linked rings to connect the adults with the children in the new family. The ceremony can also be done with the other jewelry, including religious jewelry. The important part of the ceremony is that the acceptance of the children from previous marriages is included, making the children feel as if they are an important part of the new union.

A friend of mine had her son and his new step-sister exchange gold crosses. I think this is a wonderful way to have older children acknowledge their role as participants in a blended family rather than simply as children who need to be cared for by adults.

The wording for such a ceremony could be as simple as:

Officiant: Today, we celebrate not just the union of John and Mary, but of the creation of a new family that includes their children. Would Joseph and Emily please step forward?

John: Emily, today I welcome you as part of the family I have chosen. Please wear this token of your mother’s and my love, and let it remind you of the new bond we share.

Mary: Joseph, I am proud to have you as part of my family. Your father and I give you this token as a symbol of the love we have for you, and of the new bond we all share. Wear it in good health, and let it be a reminder of our new family.

I ran across this article about how to plan an atheist wedding ceremony and found it an interesting discussion. When I talk with couples who do not wish to include God in their ceremony, for whatever reason, I find it simple to seek out passages for readings that reflect the beliefs of those getting married. Some couples simply agree to disagree on religion and choose to leave all religion out of the ceremony in favor of a civil or non-religious ceremony. I hadn’t realized this presented questions for some.

I will, after reading this, make a point of recommending some non-religious wordings and readings on my site at TailoredCeremonies.com because I find many couples wish for more contemporary readings that speak to who they are today. Others choose to mix scripture with secular readings.

Because the term “atheist” means that one doesn’t believe in God, it also does not address what that person DOES believe in, whether it be a more naturalistic, humanistic, or scientific world view. To me, planning an atheist wedding ceremony would merely tell me what to leave out. I would leave it up to the individuals getting married to choose what to include.

I saw this article about the Church of England’s decision to omit “obey” as part of the traditional marriage vows because it could be interpreted as justifying abuse. When I got married a few years ago, I asked the officiant to strike those words and to change “man and wife” to “husband and wife.” The church says it wants to send a message that men and women have equal value in the eyes of God. While these vows date back hundreds of years to a time when women were considered property, I find it striking that it took this long to consider changing it.

I haven’t seen (or officiated) any weddings where “obey” was still mentioned on the part of the woman only. With more and more couples writing their own vows, I think these words have been on the decline for some time. By linking the decision to domestic abuse, the church also helped open dialogue for those affected by domestic abuse, the sad side of weddings that no one discusses in bridal magazines.

Most couples choose to exchange rings during the ceremony. Some are plain gold bands, while others are designer bands with stones and detailing. Regardless of the bands you choose, you must decide what they symbolize to you.

The ancient Egyptians believed there was a vein in the ring finger of your left hand that went straight to your heart, and that is why that finger is chosen. The bands traditionally represent “eternity” in many ceremonies.

But you can choose what they mean to you. The rings are a symbol or token of your commitment to each other. You can speak directly to each other, using the same words or with two separate speeches. Or your celebrant can say the words for you.

You can choose the symbolism: that it represents the heavens, the sun and the moon. That the ring is a tangible reminder of your love when you are apart. That the band encircles the finger as your love encircles the person.

Take your time and consider what you want the rings to represent. Then work with your celebrant to find the words to share that with each other on your wedding day.

Many couples have questions about the processional. The general order has the groom enter first, followed by the grandparents, the parents, the groomsmen, the maids of honor, the flower girl/ring bearer, and the bride and her escort.

But you don’t need to follow this. It is up to you whether the officiant is waiting before it all begins, or if the officiant walks down the aisle. If you are having a small, intimate wedding, a processional may not be appropriate, or the path can be through trees or a garden–it does not have to be a center aisle. Grandparents may need to already be seated, as may parents, in some cases.

Brides are no longer escorted by just their fathers–our changing world and changing circumstances mean this job may be performed by the mother, an uncle, an older brother, a stepfather, both parents…. You need to look at your circumstances and negotiate what would be most appropriate for everyone. If you have an uncle who helped raise you when you were young and your mother remarried, for example, then you may choose to have your uncle walk you down half way and have your stepfather meet you and walk you the rest of the way, if you are particularly close to him. They may both walk you down the entire aisle, if you choose. Perhaps your brother is old enough to do the job alone, and choosing him would avoid hurting your uncle’s feelings.

I have seen brides walk down the aisle alone, and when the question is asked, “Who gives this woman?” her maid of honor, or her parents, may say, “No one gives her, for no one can.”

For older brides or brides who have been living with their grooms, I have seen fathers walk the bride half way down the aisle and the groom meet them half way, to finish walking her down.

And in some cultures, the bride and groom walk down the aisle together.

The key to this is finding what reflects your relationships best, as well as what fits the event itself.  

If you or your spouse (or both of you) are agnostic, atheist, or share different ideas about faith, how can a ceremony by a minister address that?

First, you and your spouse need to come to a decision on how to handle a difference of religious beliefs, especially if you plan to have children. That aside, a non-denominational ceremony may be the way to go. I can marry any consenting man and woman (or perform a commitment ceremony for any two consenting adults), and we can work together to make sure the language reflects your beliefs. A more Unitarian-style “May the God you believe in protect you” wording may help smooth things over, respecting the beliefs of all present, including the bride and groom.

Sections may be borrowed and adapted from specific religions, traditions, or beliefs. A spiritual ceremony can make no mention of God, but instead reflect the power of the two people who have chosen to join their lives.

There is no need to belong to any church or faith to have a non-denominational service, whether you choose a religious, non-religious, or spirtual ceremony. It is your day and your commitment. If the officiant you speak to won’t use the language you choose (including “You may kiss the bride”), you can find a non-demoninational, non-judgemental officiant to the job instead.